In their introduction to the book ‘Sexual Cultures’ Weeks and Holland describe a “dawning recognition that an understanding of sexualities in their broadest sense must now be central to the understanding of wider social developments” and that it has become “impossible to think of such issues as power, the family, the organization of work, identity and politics without an understanding of sexuality”.
In my practice I use the term 'marital' in its broadest sense to describe emotionally committed couples (of any orientation).
Having worked with countless couples, I’ve realized that the more traditional approaches to couples therapy; using communication, conflict resolution skills and validation (while they are useful skills to learn) don't really facilitate any substantial changes, and have not (statistically) been shown to provide long-term results.
Experience has taught me that it’s impossible to help couples improve their relationships without helping them look at their sexual dynamic (or lack of in many cases), because it directly correlates with intimacy, passion and how authentically they are relating to each other.
Please note that all work with me is done fully clothed, in a safe, ethical and caring environment. The only sex organ I come into contact with is the one between your ears (which incidentally is the most powerful one).
Most of us have difficulty knowing and being truly known by our partner - especially if we rely on them for validation (which most of us do). In this case loving someone is dangerous, and the more you love someone the more dangerous it becomes.
It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself. Betty Feiedan
Rather then being out of touch as many couples presume to be when they come to see me, the majority of them are so emotionally fused that they don't know where one starts and the other ends. This is a recipe for all sorts of passive/aggressive self-preservation techniques. As time goes by the inevitable results are; the inability to truly be oneself with ones partner, a lack of intimacy and passion in the relationship, increased incidences of hurtful behaviour, infidelity, and quite possibly divorce (or at least fantasies of getting away).
An alternative, is using the process of your relationship (with someone you love, or feel you once loved) and the challenges it offers to become a more mature, self-differentiated person. This proximity can help you to understand yourself and learn to soothe and validate yourself, when your partner is inevitably unable to do so. The paradox is that by learning to soothe yourself better; you can be of more help to those you love.
This is the key to gaining self-confidence and integrity, giving us a more secure foundation and a better way of handling our relationships with others. With our partners it translates directly into increased intimacy and passion and a much healthier, self-sustaining kind of loving.
It's not and easy process or a painless one but living in an unsatisfying relationship isn't painless either.
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
